I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
