Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
Randomize
