I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
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