did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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