dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
shes got a really nice body. but her face is eh.
you dont need a face to have sex
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
