dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
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