I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
my resolution for 2011 is to fuck him whenever he wants it. this year I'm going above and beyond the call of booty.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
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