Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
Randomize
