I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
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