you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
Hey, this is Travis. I just so intelligently deduced that I am in a college dorm somewhere in western oregon. Probably WOU, based on the process of elimination.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
Randomize
