she woke up with a sticky ear
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
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