There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
Randomize
