remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
Randomize
