I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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