so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
I could go for watching some naked price is right. Looks like a good time to me.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
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