no, he came in my armpit
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
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