so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
