Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
Randomize
