Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
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