You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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