this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
You made a list of reasons why you should be on fear factor. You came up with 2 reasons: "I like fear" and "I am fear"
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Randomize
