But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
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