I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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