my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
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