you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
