May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
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