it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
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