I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
Ketchup is God's man juice
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
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