Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Randomize
