i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
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