Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
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