My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
Randomize
