Picture Ja Rule and 50 Cent having a sexy full grown love child son...He's on my bus right now, wearing an outside jacket with no shirt underneath. My fashion sense and libido are fighting it out.I'll keep you posted on who wins.
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
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