The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
drunk. just smoked a spliff with a 19yr old hungarian bike taxi driver and bonded over the difficulties of getting weed in a different country. idk y shit like this isnt in the study abroad info packets
But theres a keg here and me gusta
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
It's official! Naked girl is back and making stir fry. Still not sure she realizes we can see her whole apartment from our balcony. Cheap beer and a show.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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