Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
