Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
so this was truly a case of the blacked out leading the blacked out.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
Randomize
