my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
He got tattooed, peirced, and we're pretty sure he got rufeed by that fat chick. He was like a walking spring break stereotype.
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize
