Nope, didn't see her. We left when you told us you were going to make the " big beef burrito supreme" even more supreme and you took your dick out.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
Randomize
