i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
