he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
They are going to name an STD after you.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
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