u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
