dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
Randomize
