Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
