I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
