I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
Beverly Hills, 90210. Cleveland Browns, 0.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
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