I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Randomize
