the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
Less talking, more tequila
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Randomize
