My sheets look like a crime scene.
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
Randomize
