I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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