And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
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