I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
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