I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
Randomize