I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Randomize