Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
Randomize
