She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
Randomize
